After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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