I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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