The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
