Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
