I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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