i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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