Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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