You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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