And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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