dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
