Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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