In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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