I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
