what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
