Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
