Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
