I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
