can u get pink eye on your cock?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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