i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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