my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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