Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it glows. i had to have it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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