tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
