There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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