my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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