Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
