Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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