i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
