just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
