everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
