Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
