What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
