i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
