Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
