I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
