life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You can't motorboat a personality
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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