Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
