Michael Bay diarrhea
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
