First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
