the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
