I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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