I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
