A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Green mimosas i think yes
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
