I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
