I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
