I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
