Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
