I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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