I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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