What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
