I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
