Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
