Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
