I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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